My husband’s been calling me out on being all-in

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So, I’ll let you in on something my husband already knows about me. 

My default setting? All in. 

When I want something, nothing can deter me. I act impulsively and will work urgently, with certainty, and a delusional fervor to get things done.

That’s been my standard. But recently, I’ve been acting a bit out of character…and my husband’s noticed.

We’re building something together (more details to come since we’re keeping it a bit under wraps—for now.). My husband is jazzed about it. 

But things have been taking a while to get off the ground, which is, truthfully, peculiar for me. 

I’m normally the driver. The doer.

“Vanessa,” he said one night. “I don’t think you’re all in.”

I’m sorry, what?

“And if you’re not, we need to evaluate our direction. Are we moving forward on this or not?”

When I say you could hear a pin drop?! It stopped me in my tracks. 

My husband? Asking me whether I was in this? After I recovered, I sensed he was right. I’ve been avoiding this conversation but it was necessary.

“I guess I'm not all in up until this point because of three things…” I ventured. He was listening.

“One: when I started Health-Ade, I was 27-ish, late 20s.  I had nothing to my name and it was all upside, honestly.”

(The biggest motivating thing to me at the time was the chip on my shoulder to prove my dad and naysayers wrong.) 

“Truthfully, I was okay to lose all the money I didn't have,” I admitted. “I was ready to sign a personal guarantee on anything because who cared? I guess I’m struggling with risk tolerance related to money.”

The second issue? “Well, working with you.”

*record scratch* 

I was scared. I guess I didn't want to resent my husband if the business trickled into our relationship. Over the last year and a half, my husband and I had to get to know each other in a different way, post-kids, post-HealthAde exit, me working through all my things.

I just didn’t want to rock the boat, but the cat was out of the bag at this point.

“And the last thing?” he asked.

I paused, because this reason has really been the elephant living in my own psyche. After leaving HealthAde, I had to find my identity again, but I couldn't shake this persistent worry.

“I'm afraid I’m going to look like an idiot.”

Truthfully, I guess it's imposter syndrome mixed in with an insecurity about what other people think. 

Like, what if this business doesn’t work out? 
What if I look silly?
What if this venture is not big enough compared to my last? The list goes on…

(As I say this all out loud, I know that’s…stupid.)

But I couldn't keep the thoughts from subconsciously stopping me from moving forward and being all in.

After revealing these mental obstacles and talking through things, we committed to 3 actions to keep us honest and aligned:

1. Risk tolerance with regard to money - we have a certain $ amount dedicated to this and that’s it. We’re not going to go over a certain amount in building this business…also protecting assets in all the ways (trusts, lawyers, CPAs etc).

2. Getting a new couples therapist (or potentially a human design coach?) and having him/her on avail proactively - If we have issues with each other, we’ve got to address them, leave them on the business side, and not let them seep over into our personal lives. Period. (Easier said than done but now that it is on the table, we are more able to deal with the communication aspect.)

3. And imperatively, I'm just going to Let Them think whatever and Let Me do my thing. (I’ve been reading ‘Let Them’ by Mel Robbins and if you’ve been reading too, you feel this).

Listen, I don’t have it all figured out. It’s been hard to confront and even harder to do the work to address. But I’m all in on moving forward!

And Kevin, if you’re reading, thank you for calling me out on my bullshit—and allowing me to be honest with you, every step of the way.

To doing it scared, 
Vanessa