The gift of a year

For the non-parent readers out there, I promise this gets to a self-revelation at the end. Bear with me! Plus, most of the private schools in the LA area are releasing their acceptances this Friday, seemed apropos to talk about this now.

So, I’ve been trying to find my 4.5-year-old son a kindergarten.

You would think that would be straightforward, but dear God. There are SO MANY choices and considerations…public schools, private schools, teaching philosophies, applications, friend groups, and interviews. 

But it wasn’t until my parent-teacher conference at his preschool in January did I get a question that sent me into full overwhelm.

“Are you planning on giving him another year?”

I blinked. What does that even mean?

Apparently, since my a) son (ie. boy development) has a b) summer birthday, I have the opportunity to make the choice around red-shirting him for a year. Apparently, social and emotional development happens in spades around this time, especially for boys who develop later in all of these aspects.

I hadn’t even considered this. First, because I had just done all these applications and that was a whole thing. And also because I really didn’t realize just how deep this research went. To say that I’ve been in a tizzying rabbit hole of conflict about this topic for the last few months is an understatement.

1. Perfectionist Tiger Mom came out. I had a plan, and this new variable was interfering in a triggering way. What would this mean for him? Is he not achieving something that I know he can handle? Did I fail him in some way? Am I pushing him too hard? If I redshirt him am I not pushing hard enough???
   

2. Boy moms know what’s going on. Apparently, 98% of my friends who had the opportunity to do so have kept their sons in preschool for another year (and the ones who couldn’t wish they had the chance). In other words, everyone who has done this never regretted it.
   

3. Medical professionals and therapists really vouch for this. There’s a ton of research in child development around the topic, specifically in the past two decades. I talked to a therapist at one of the prospective schools and she described it like this (taking a note from the book The Whole Brain Child).

   • The brain is like a house. For a developing kid, especially one who may be super academically inclined, gifted even, all of that knowledge lives in the upstairs area.

   • Emotions+social development reside in the downstairs area.

   • When kids can’t handle or process their emotions, it essentially sets their staircase and downstairs on fire.

   • So even if the kid is ready from an academic standpoint, accessing all of that higher knowledge is infinitely harder over time if there isn’t a downstairs foundation or staircase to access those knowledge banks.

It was a three-month spiral, friends. There was so much I didn’t know but couldn’t unsee. 

Were we going to renege on all these applications now?
Was I going to ruin my kid if I didn’t do this?

Why did it feel like the stakes were so high?!

At the end of the day, we decided to withdraw our applications and do them again next year. We’re going to give our son the gift of another year. 

And let me tell you—at first, I called it ‘holding him back.’ 
But then, one of the teachers at his preschool said, ‘it’s another year of childhood.’ What, honestly, could be better than another year of growing up?

As someone who thought she worked through these goal-hitting, achievement neuroses, I had to reallllly do some self-reflection in this process. There was no tiger chasing us through this system to get through it faster. Who was I competing with? NOONE! It was just some antiquated ideal I set up for our family and my kid. Get into the best school, at this time, and so we continue on this ‘best’ cycle.

I had to get over it and get over myself really.

In reality, the only question to consider was… ‘What is best for him?’

Luckily, he’s getting (and we’re getting) the precious gift of another year.

Growing with you always,
Vanessa